michitamarna

love, is it?

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 06:49:25 GMT

i find myself looking at his myspace for like the 3rd time or something, im on dial up- that's commitment.
he still hasnt sent me back an email. and no, it's not the same he that i have written about before, he's different, he's new and old all at the same time. he's my ex boyfriend.
i dated him four years ago for 8 months. over time i have forgiven him for things that i can't remeber getting mad at him about. i just think it was the fact that we were in high school and had to see each other almost every day and knew that things between us had not worked out well.
and then i found him on myspace...
i thought about it, prayed about it, and did it. i sent him an email telling him that i was not upset with him and what i had been up to for the last four years.
he emailed me back. and i instantly sent him another back.
and i am finding myself thinking about him more and more and seeing how he is different now and how i really like what i see...gah! and how i've thrown out all my standards for who i was planning on dating- or courting in the future. he is not a Christian, he believes in God and I am not sure how far that goes, but from his myspace, one would not guess that he believes in God and wants to honor Him with his life. i always told myself that i would be dating Christian boys, that i would look for a guy strong in God and that yeah, it would be beautiful.
he lives in Arizona.
I am going to Arizona, 45 min. away from where he lives in less than a month. i imagine meeting up with him. seeing him, him seeing me.
i could totally have a relationship with him again, i could totally date him again.
and that scares me...
would i be compromising my relationship with God? would i be putting him first instead of Jesus in my life?
i could see myself being with him, being in his arms, loving it. i can still remember the way he smelled...
and yet, i have been in contact with him for what? a week at most?
i think it's lust. it's me wanting to fill that piece of me that i have been waiting to fill for soooo long. i want a boyfriend! i want someone to hold me in their arms and love me and have fun with me and laugh with me and make me feel beautiful even when i think i look horrible. and then i found him and he responded, he was really happy to get an email from me. and i was happy that he was happy and then i started thinking...and now i can't stop thinking about the possibility of us getting back together.
i would love that.
right?

end of school...getting there

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 19:40:37 GMT

yesterday and today have been out of the ordinary for me.
yesterday morning, i had a doctor's appt to look at a mole in a rather embarassing place...that looked cancerous. she said it was fine, but that i might just want to get it removed in the future so that i wont need to keep checking it. so i was totally relieved when that whole appointment was over and that it all came out good. and then, i got to school early and decided to walk down the hall where my ceramic piece i entered in the student art gallery was. i walked by and and it looked different, it was facing to the side and not to the front...i picked it up to turn it back and...it was BROKEN! someone broke it and set it back up, pieces together, so it 'looked' fine, but when you actually touch it, it's split right down the middle in two separate pieces! so, i talked to the front office, they directed me to the art department, a gal came out to look at it...she told me nothing had been reported and that i was the first artist to discover my own peice broken (yay for me). apparently, they have people monitoring the gallery...so, all she could tell me was sorry that it happened and that the ceramics teacher would try to fix it.
but seriously, how lame, someone breaks a piece of art and then just runs...whatever, there's nothing i can do about it.
so, that was my generally weird day yesterday.
this morning, i was getting a glass for milk and my fingers slid around the smooth outside as i set it down, i got a shard of glass in my finger. it was so small, but i could see it sparkling and knew it was there. my dad came down to help me get it out because i was having trouble with it. it hurt, but he got it out. so weird yeah? my dad threw the evil cup away...lol. take that!
and now, im sitting in the computer lab at school, waiting for my 1:00 math class to start. it's an ok class. the teacher's great, he's really funny and makes it fun. but it's like, the most basic level of algebra. i passed AP stats, i dont need this class. but the college i was going to transfer to wanted it, so i got in it. then i decided not to go to that college. it was too late to drop it and get another fun class, and i needed the units to bring me to full time, so i stuck with it. it's like high school all over again, there are a lot of people straight out of high school in the class...so that would explain it. the material is pretty easy for me, so when the teacher's explained it really really well and someone goes, 'wait, i dont get it'...yeah, its annoying. so all my notes have drawings in the margins...lol, im slowly making my own cartoon characters and story lines for them. perhaps i'll base the characters off of people in the class. hmm.
summer break is on its way! yeah, i go to a school that stays in til the last friday of june! but, we start in late september, so i guess it makes up. im graduating this year with my AA, whoohoo. and then...i gotta figure things out fast next year and decide where im going to transfer to and what im going to do with my life.
i think its rediculous how society demands that we make really important decisions that will affect our whole lives, when we are so young! i mean, just because you're now out of high school and over 18 does not make you suddenly ready to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life. who really knows what they want to do when they're 18? 19? 20? etc.
okay, im done. i have to finish some work for my online class and then go to math...yay.
hope you guys are enjoying being out of school..lucky.

oh wow

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 18:35:38 GMT

today is thursday, my favorite day of the week. because it means that tomorrow is friday!
i came to the college to go to a meeting for international club, it got canceled, so i thought i would check my email on the high speed internet. i sat down and right away smelled the man sitting across from me, he had really bad BO. i decided it would be rude to move, since there are a lot of open computers. so i dealt with the smell and eventually, i didnt really smell it anymore. but like, two minutes ago, the librarian called him over, and in this library, it is REALLY REALLY quiet, so everyone heard what she said. she told him there had been some complaints and that she was asking him to leave. he asked her something and she said that she didnt want to go into the complaints and that she was asking him to leave because he had "hygene issues". it was quiet and i waited for his response. he politely said thank you and walked out.
gosh, i can't imagine how horrible that man must be feeling. how embarassed he must be, and judged he must feel.
people smell, there's not a whole lot you can do about it. and this is a public place, so there will be people here, and there will most likely be people who smell. and i guess it goes to an extent of what can be accepted in public, but i dunno, it just doesnt seem right to me that you can kick someone out of a public place because they smell.
hmm...poor guy
im going to the book store after this and getting more art supplies for my art class. i've spent almost $200 for this class already! i went yesterday for the first time. it was pretty nerve racking. we draw and my teacher walks around and critiques (sp?) it over our shoulders. it makes me sooo nervous when she's coming my way...and then, we turn our works around for the class to see and we go over each one individually in front of the class...im glad i liked what i did yesterday, and i guess it gives me incentive to work hard when im in there.
well, im gonna go. i need to renew Prince Caspian. i can't wait till the movie comes out.
have an awesome thursday!!

finals...

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 20:17:06 GMT

i really dont like them. especially ones for online classes...i set aside some time today to take mine for art history. go to the class page, click on tests, look...can't find link to final...great.
so i've sent out messages and posted questions, even asked in the chat room how to access the final. and either everyone's taking it and i just can't find it or everyone that's online is just waiting for someone to answer my question. either way...lame. i need to take this...well, actually i'd be fine with the grade i have right now, but i really really was all set to take it and now that i can't find it adds to my frustrations with this class.
okay, people are signing off now...so maybe they're done or they just gave up...
can't wait till this final is over!!!
okay, done venting, will write when i have less stress in my life...

ECE

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 19:07:40 GMT

so, i have my Early Childhood Education presentation today...it has to be 10 minutes long...it's a power point that i was going to work on at school...guess what? the program it opens with on the school computers only lets me see it, not work on it...
it's almost done, but i wanted to do some fine tuning. oh well, guess i can't.
i also wanted to practice it in my head while looking at the slides so i know what im going to say...i might do that, but it come up HUGE on the cumputer.
bleh, i cant wait till this day is over and then i will be able to breathe...

Lunar Eclipse

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 15:48:44 GMT

Feb. 21, 2008
I saw the Lunar Eclipse last night. We had to drive out to the nearest grocery store parking lot because we live in a valley. My mom, dad, and I hopped in the cold car and drove merrily to see the moon’s transformation.
My dad spoke of trying to get together with his side of the family and how they were planning something, but people all wanted to go their separate ways when they got here and it was going to be hard just to get everyone to eat dinner together. He was frustrated and when my mom went off subject, he angrily told her he had been on the phone all day and wanted to finish telling her what he had planned so far. I looked out the window and up at the stars, remembering God’s promise to Abraham that He would make his descendents as numerous as the stars in the sky. They are impossible to count.
We pulled into the parking lot. There were a couple other cars parked there and one guy filming the eclipse. I opened my door and leaned my head out to look at the moon. Orange was slowly creeping its way across its surface, only a sliver of bright light on the edge remained. I watched for a while as it was eaten up and the whole moon resembled Mars.
My parents continued to talk, my dad still frustrated. I asked some questions and was either not answered or responded to with impatience, so after a while I just kept quiet.
I got up and out of the car to see the whole sky. I looked directly above me and saw celestial beings twinkling blue, red, and yellow. And suddenly, a mix of what I was seeing, the cold, and even perhaps the smell of smoke in the air took me back to almost a year ago.

I was lost in a memory of a certain star filled night when I took a long walk with someone very special to me at the time. We had walked from his house to my house a couple of times. My cheeks were red with the cold in the air and my stomach filled with excitement of the unknown. We had walked for hours, past midnight, strolling down the street, talking; admiring the stars above us and the one we were conversing with. We even laid side by side on my neighbor’s driveway and saw a shooting star. I remember sitting up quickly with fear as a coyote ran across the driveway in front of us. And I also remember being comforted by him and settling back into the peace that surrounded me.

That was a pivotal night, a changing moment in our relationship.
That night, we couldn’t seem to say goodbye. We wanted to hold onto that special moment, that peaceful feeling, that unknown that anything could happen. We stood in my driveway, him trying to leave, but neither of us wanting it. He held my hands and our foreheads touched. I remember smiling to myself, loving how I felt in that moment. I felt beautiful.
He tried to leave again.
We embraced.
I could feel his heart beating against mine. It felt so perfect, so real, so meant to be. I wanted it to be right, I wanted it to be real, I wanted it to be meant to be.
After a long time, we finally said our goodbyes and I closed my front door softly, trying not to wake up my sister who was sound asleep. I leaned up against the door and sighed.
A small voice whispered in my ear, something I had heard earlier that evening when I had been in the same location of my house and about to leave.
You will regret tonight.
How could I regret what had just happened? I had butterflies in my stomach that felt so crowded that they flew up into my throat and I felt as though I had to sing to release the pressure. I was so happy.
And I was so deceived.
Perhaps what is most ironic is that that relationship started last year on Valentine’s Day. He had called me to wish me a happy Valentine’s Day and we ended up talking for a very long time. After that, things changed, we changed, and we began to pursue each other with the intention of purity.
He called me this year the day before Valentine’s Day.
I had been thinking of him that whole week and even about the possibility of him calling me. I had hushed the thought, I hadn’t heard from him for over six months and his mother told me that he was not allowed to call girls. He had gone away to a church in southern California where he was an intern. I had heard great things that he was doing, that God was doing in his life, but I had yet to hear from him for myself.
I was watching TV with my dad and the phone rang. My mom got it and quickly called for me.
It was him.
I tired to contain my excitement as I walked to my room.
I waited until the door was shut.
“Hello?”
“Hi.”
“How are you?”
“I’m good, how are you?”
“Good.”
“Good.”
Excitement was building in my chest.
“Well, I wanted to tell you about a youth conference coming up at GC church in San Diego.”
“Oh.” I said, suddenly disappointed.
He proceeded to tell me about this event that was going to be ‘awesome’.
I wanted to yell at him, I haven’t spoken to you or heard from you in six months and this is all you have to say to me?
He finished and I asked some questions.
I told him I would think about it.
He responded, “No, pray about it.”
“Ok.” I was kind of put off by this, but I was just glad to hear his voice.
I didn’t want to hear about the youth conference, I wanted to hear about him, how his life was going.
“How has your schooling, your interning been going?” I asked.
His voice was all business; there was no conversing to be had.
“It’s been great, it’s changed my life.”
“That’s great to hear.” I told him, wanting him to elaborate, wanting to hear something more. But he wasn’t letting me into his life.
“I heard you’re no longer vegetarian.” I told him.
“Yep, I’m not.”
“It was hard for me to believe when your mom told me that.” I said, still he had no expanding response.
There was a long pause. It felt familiar, though I hadn’t experienced it for quite some time. Usually, I was the one to fill these silences with remarks or comments, but I was upset with him, it was all his to fill.
“Well, if you have any questions, you can go to the website and e-mail the guy in charge. Or you can call my cell phone.”
A question burned in my head and I now regret not asking it. I thought you weren’t allowed to talk to me.
But all I could say was, “Ok.”
I was done playing this game; I was done with this conversation, with him.
“Well, thanks for letting me know.” I said, feeling dead inside.
“Yeah.”
“I, I’ll talk to you later.” I told him, regretting that this conversation was leaving me feeling emptier inside than I had before we had spoken. It was better not knowing.
“Okay, God bless. Bye.”
“Bye.” I clicked the phone off.
I sat back. Everything was quiet around me. Tears rolled softly down my cheeks. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I couldn’t believe it was real. I wanted to call him back and ask him if this was all just some big joke. I put the phone down and closed my eyes; tears continued to flow.
It was like my heart had cracked open and emotions and pain were flowing forth freely. I couldn’t stop them.
I was so hurt. I called my best friend, my voice rich with emotion. I talked with my parents. I prayed. And I e-mailed him.

I have yet to receive a reply.
And perhaps, he may not reply at all. His e-mail address may not even work anymore.

“Okay Marn, let’s go.” My mom said, starting the car, the lights turning on instantly, breaking the smooth darkness that had settled around me.
I closed my door and buckled in as we drove away and back out to our house.
I kept my eyes on the now fully orange moon; it dove behind trees and hills and then would pop back into view.
My parents continued their discussion that I was not a part of.
I wanted so badly to have someone there for me like that. Someone you could talk to about your day, get everything out, and they would still love you and care for you. I wanted someone to hold me in my weakest moments, in my hardest times. I wanted someone to offer loving advice about what problems I was having and to make me laugh so I would feel better.
he was that for me.
And now he is not. I don’t know that he ever will be again.
I wonder what he is thinking, if he got my e-mail, if he is going to reply. I wonder if he thinks about me and prays about me as much as I do him.
We arrived back home. I looked up at the stars one last time as I walked toward my house. I felt so differently now. And perhaps deep down inside, a part of me does regret that night. Where we allowed our emotions and feelings to control our arms and embrace one another. Though it was such a small act, as small as hugging, it was still so monumental in how we related after that. I think I regret being that vulnerable, opening myself up to something that was not for me to have just yet. It had all ended on such a sour note.
I wonder if he ever thinks about that night.
I blow out a full breath of air and it turns to steam before my face. I let it float up, up and away to the stars and orange moon. Up to the countless celestial beings and their twinkling colors that I looked upon a year ago with such different eyes.

winter cold

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 23:19:20 GMT

so i ran into my friend today, one i hadnt seen since Christmas...her nose is pierced now, not that is makes a difference. but we talked, i asked her what she was doing, said she was at the college to waste time, i asked if we could waste time together...she said she was here to use the computers.
its funny, i thought i was over the whole, caring what she thought and not to waste energy on trying to be accepted by her. yet here i am, hurt. and it sucks...
im sick too, with a cold. i had a fever last night and didnt go to work this morning. i did go to class, and i have a meeting in three hours, then youth group. i wont get home till late tonight.
my heart feel bruised.
i have been writing a bunch on the flip side...its going really great. i have a whole new direction and its getting me really into it, im writing like crazy, and not doing much homework, which is adding to my stress...but the characters occupy my thoughts and i cant wait till the next time i get to sit down and talk about their lives with them. lol, i sound crazy...
i think i might try worship through art. i went to a youth confrence this weekend and watched some people worship through painting, i might try pastels tho.
just rambling...rambling...

december 6, 2007

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 22:05:43 GMT

hmm...i am now out of school for a month, it's awesome. im sitting at my dining room table, listening to Josh Groban sing Christmas songs from his new CD, Noel (soooo good!), and watching the snow fall softly outside. its so beautiful.
there's a scene from my book that i just thought of when the main character is stepping out of the carriage and it's softly snowing. she looks up into the falling crystals and they fall around her face, on her eye lashes and cheeks. it's a moment i had last year. i was getting out of my car and stopped myself as i looked up. it almost felt like flying through space with the stars passing by me. the air was so silent and if you listened well enough, you could hear the soft sound as the snow accumulated on the ground. i took deep breaths and my mouth let out steam that melted a few snowflakes falling toward me. in that moment, i could feel the peace of God fill me, and i felt so extremely content. amongst all that was going on at the time, here i was in a quite place and nothing else seemed to matter, i was basking in God's love and glory, and there was no other place i would have rather been.
i am trying to re-establish a relationship that i allowed to slip. i had been doing so well, i was really feeling the fire in my heart for Him grow. and then...i fell, i sinned, and i felt so horrible. i lost what i had so easily, it was gone and had slipped through my fingers like smoke.
that was monday. over the next couple of days, God reminded me that He was still there, and that I needed to get back on my feet and run toward Him.
tuesday i went to a new youth group and struggled to feel like i fit in. i am not the most social, and i didnt really know anyone there...i prayed to not get discouraged and to be grown from that experience. wed. morning i had my girl's accountablility group, it is so refreshing meeting with them, and i think that when i go off to another college, i will miss that the most. that afternoon, i posted a well, post, in a christian community online and was totally attacked and criticized, i felt so burned. i had shared a moment of following what God had put on my heart. i prayed to continue to draw my strength in God and to cling to Him more, because He continues to love me, and His arms are always open. well, 100 comments from other people later, here i am. its thursday and im recovered, and planning to not post again there any time soon.
i worked this morning at an elementary school and then at my other office job and came home around 1:20.
and now, now im going to get a cup of tea and enjoy the beauty around me.
while i may change, or my emotions may sway, i know that God never changes, He is something so constant in my life.
while the earth around me changes, with the seasons, with wars, with devistations, with new dangers and fears, God is still constant and strong.
and into His arms, i run.

snow in september

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 17:19:37 GMT

so i woke up this morning to...snow, a good inch and a half of it covering everything outside. and the snow makes me want the holidays suddenly, but it hasnt even been halloween yet.
i have been in school for two weeks and working two jobs for one. i feel tired. i am waaaay behind on my reading for nutrition, but other wise, im doing ok. my relationship with God has been slipping a bit, i get home at night and feel so tired that i usually go to bed instead of reading my bible. i'll read it today tho, since its the weekend and i can relax a bit more.
i have my new church family. it's difficult getting adjusted to it all. i thought i would go in and love all of it. well, i do love parts of it, but it feels really uncomfortable being surrounded by people i dont know, i feel socially retarded when i go...i sit with my youth pastor and their kids, but i feel like im almost intruding on their family...i dunno. im also going to a girl's accountability group at 6:30 AM, that's right, like the 6:30 in the morning...but its sooo worth it. its a great group and im making friends that keep me accountable. i found that i like being up early in the morning, when i make it up that early.
i havent been writing at all because of school and general tired-ness. with this sudden change in weather and scenary, i reallly really want to write, i can feel the creativity on my fingertips and i so desperately want to push my keys and type them into existance...but i cant. *sigh* i have a LOT of reading to do for nutrition...and a spanish paper...and anthropology homework...and a class to drop. and i work today at 3:45. its a wedding, that was supposed to be outside, but im guessing that might change. and then i have church tomorrow and might do something with my friends. so now is the time i need to be doing school things. poo...

TAB

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 17:04:49 GMT

TAB
thats the code word for an abortion at my work. i work at an ob/gyn office in my home town and just do office work like pulling charts and pushing paper basically. i pulled a chart for a young woman- my age, born in 1988 just like me. she was coming in for a TAB.
she came in yesterday for the prep, her mom and boyfriend were with her. she was tall and thin, like me. i made eye contact, her eyes were red and puffy and all this had to have been killing her. her boyfriend out in the waiting room had his hood over his face and went outside after some time. her mom sat in the waiting room, flipping the pages of a magazine, but i wondered what she was going through on the inside.
today is the day of her abortion. it makes me so sad that human life has to be destroyed in order to not mess up another's. her appointment is at 10:30. im praying that the innocent baby doesnt feel pain, and that this poor girl can find her strength and healing in Christ.
please pray with me, God is a healing God, a loving God, and a compassionate God, He can restore.

a priest, a relief, a moment

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 07:09:56 GMT

ao...first things first. i met with the priest today. i got up early, worked for two whole hours (nice) and then parked in front of the church and tried to calm my nerves. i called my friend hannah, and she told me jokes and stuff to get me to relax...and i felt better. i went in the office, priest was running late...which left me alone with my thougts. while i was waiting, a woman came in looking for where she could get a statue of St. Joseph for a ground breaking. the secretary pulled a plastic bag out of her desk and in it were a bunch of 4inch statues made out of plastic...i thought it was so weird for some reason. then the priest came...tried to be calm...told him that my dad wanted me to talk to him...and surprisingly he told me that i should try going to the other church, but also attend the church im going to now. no biggie, that's actually what had been suggested to me by another person whose opinion i greatly value. so yeah, it ended well. i was so relieved, that meeting stressed me waay out, and when i came out, i felt like i could breathe.
i saw one of my friends for the last time today. he leaves saturday. i felt like i wanted to say something- something profound, something that mattered, and all i could keep coming up with was...have fun...perhaps it was not the right moment. i dunno.
i'll miss him.
and so onto tomorrow, which is technically today because it's 12:08am, yay for tiredness tomorrow! me and my amiga are going to see becoming jane and stardust! can't wait! two girly movies sound great right now.
hasta.

total eclipse

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 19:22:02 GMT

so...i got up at 3:00am this morning and woke my dad up and we went outside and set up lawn chairs and watched the lunar eclipse for about an hour. it was so neat!! and we saw so many shooting stars. we even heard a tree fall out in the forest somewhere..it was like...crack crack crack crackcrackcrack BOOM! it was sweet. i kept worrying about bears or something. they had to kill another mother bear in my neighborhood and take her cubs because she broke into a guy's house and wouldnt leave so he locked himself in the bathroom and called the cops. the cops showed up and the bear charged him so he...shot her. it's sad, but there's no real way to aviod it.

so yeah, summer's almost over, school's gonna start in a couple weeks. im working on getting a new job and it's been almost two weeks since i applied...and im getting impatient because i have to register for classes today and i dont know if that will conflict with the work schedule...i just ate a bagel with poppyseeds...i hope they dont have me do a drug test today...greatness.
so my story has been flooding my mind lately. one character's gonna do something bad and ruin her future...can't wait! i just came up with the scene last night when i was trying to go to sleep. and now i feel like i might have some books in a series. maybe following each character after i finish this one. im excited to keep writing. but i have a lot to do today and i hope i can find the time.
i tried registering for classes today and on the site it said i had a hold on my registration. so it gave me a link to fix it and there was nothing on the page...so i tried to go back and register and that didnt work because i still had the hold...i dunno. i tried it again later and this warning popped up and said the page was really unsafe and told me to close it immediately...so i did. it might be this hacker guy from turkey that likes to corrupt the college's web page. his code name...turkish whitewolf hacker. and this little message appears: 'you've been hacked by the turkish whitewolf hacker muhahahahaha!' actually, minus the evil laugh...
but i gotta work today...a whole hour, yeah! and then go to the office im applying at and see if ANY progress has been made. then i need to go by the college and try to fix my registration..and come up with enough money to pay for my classes...and then i really need to clean my room and do my chores in the bathroom...and then...WRITE! i have so many ideas in my head right now that i really need to get them all out and work with the raw material, i cant wait!
toodles.

oh my goodness!

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 08:35:58 GMT

i just saw a GREAT movie! it's now my favorite movie ever. it's called

STARDUST (yes, it deserves its own line in my blog).

i didnt see any ads for it on tv or anything, i only read a review and thought it would be interesting...it was soooo good! it was like lord of the rings meets harry potter-ish meets sleepy hallow meets pride and prejudice meets super awesomeness! so yeah...it's 1:31am...and i have a coffee date at 10:45, and i need ten hours of sleep but just thought i would tell you all about the movie, i hope you guys check it out. i came out of the theater with a smile on my face- it ends well, and happy. something i really like in a movie. so yeah...check it out!

fire

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 04:47:11 GMT

so i just about burned my room down about 20 minutes ago. i had a couple candles burning...no big deal...left the room to go see my parents up stairs...got distracted and went online...smelled something funny....went to my room...HOLY CANOLE! i made a ceramic cover for a tea light with a cross on one side and a hole in the top for the heat to go through. well, i didnt put the tea light on anything and it got hot...really hot, and so the hot metal caught the window sill on fire. there was a huge flame coming out of the hole in my ceramic thingy...what do i do? blow on it...yeah, not a good idea with a big flame, it just got all over my blinds. so i scream for my mom, my sister runs in, freaks out and screams for my mom even louder...i pick up a water bottle that thank God it had something in it, and douse the thing. my sister's still screaming and the fire alarm starts going off...so i run out and tell everyone the fire's out, my mom's rushing down the stairs, everyone runs into my room. it was great...greatly horrilbe! it was still sizzling and my dad pulls away my pretty, but now black ceramic piece and there is a GIANT burn mark. the ceramic contained the fire to the shape of the round cover. got the fire alarm to turn off and ice on the window sill. and gosh, am i feeling like an idiot! err, that was so sosososo so stupid of me to do...but praise God, it was not worse and did not cause more damage and that i didnt wait any longer to check on the funky smell.
so yeah...my room smells funny now and i have a constant reminder...and some money coming out of my wallet to buy a new window sill.
today had been a pretty good day too...i had cleaned my room and rearranged the furniture..good thing i didnt burn it all down. gosh.

summer ramblings- time

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 06:49:13 GMT

i have been writing a lot lately on my story, staying up until 1:00am has become a regular thing for me. my story seems to be flying out of my fingertips and pushing the keys itself, typing into existence scenes i had not even imagined for my characters. im getting excited for them, ava got some wonderful news...it's as though they're my own children and im an excited mom who knows what's going on (im writing it) but im still excited thinking about what may happen next. i am up to 112 pages on my computer and find it slowing just a little, but i think i am a long way from stopping.
i love sitting down with my characters and taking them through twists and turns, though im having trouble putting them in any real danger, emotionally that it, i feel bad hurting them...or putting conflict between them. i must sound crazy to anyone who isnt a writer, but you really become attached to your characters and want the best for them. its hard to make them convincingly evil too...i'd prefer they were all good, selfish, humble human beings, but thats not the way the world works.
my life has become a routine that i perform every day. wake up...late...like 11:30ish (pathetic, i know) and then i wash down two pills to cleanse my insides from living in mexico for 19 days and getting sick every day, have a protein shake for my health's sake and also my aunt's who is not happy with my choice of being vegetarian and when i go to see her in a couple of days, i want to honestly tell her that i am getting enough protein, then i get ready for work, read a prupose driven life and my bible, contemplate writing, go to work, pick up the paper, go home, look for a new job in the paper, go read some more, help with dinner, read, eat, read, go on a walk, watch tv, and finally, write, then i read before i go to bed.
its amazing how i have so little time in my day to accomplish the things i want to when it is filled with the things i think i should be doing.
i actually want to clean my room- like deep clean it- and go through all my clothes, and i want to get a new job...thats a whole other story.
i want a job i can use my spanish at, but today i spoke with a mexican woman on the phone and barely understood her, it makes me doubt myself. and i think im also a bit afraid of getting a new job and leaving my comfort zone. my mom wants me to apply at the cafe near my house, and i've thought about it, but i am so afraid of messing up. we know the owners, i used to babysit for them, and i am so afraid of doing something wrong because i want to do my best for them, they're good people and deserve good employees.
i also need to get things figured out for school. im meeting with a counselor next week to determine if i have time to graduate this year with general ed and an aa in spanish...and if that does work, im gonna have a LOT of school work. and that leads me to the ghost that has been haunting me for two years now...where do i go to college and what do i major in??
well, im trying not to worry, it's in God's hands, His purpose for my life will come through. it's just hard sitting back after giving it to God without even a clue of what might be around the bend or what opportunity may lie ahead. i trust He'll tell me when i need to know though.
hope all your summers are going great, i have yet to go to the beach and im dying to go...perhaps next week, see if i have the time.

we leave tomorrow

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 17:59:48 GMT

i've been on the road and traveling through states for a week now. we've been in montana for four days, vactaion just doesnt seem long enough. i've been able to read- i read a whole book (thanks scott!) that i loved and im working on another one. i've also been able to talk with my dad about something that has been on my mind for quite some time. while it wasnt a 'big talk', it still got my ideas out there. the thing is, i've been raised catholic. my dad's catholic, his parents are catholic, their parents were catholic, etc. and i've always kind of known that i didnt want to be catholic. i was saved on october 26, 2005 when a local youth group put on a boat cruise on the tahoe queen. my friends were going, and i wanted to go- there were some bands playing and it only cost $5 to go. i talked with my parents and they were fine with it, so i went. music was good, people were better. as people told their testimonies, i began to see myself in them and the problems they had been facing- i was a senior in high school and had NO IDEA what i was going to be doing the next year, it was something that weighed heavily on my mind. and i just wasnt satisfied with life, i was going through the motions, but what was i living for? crushes and a boyfriend had come and gone, and i still wasnt feeling as though i belonged anywhere or had a purpose.
at the end of the night, the pastor explained what jesus did for us- HE DIED and ROSE AGAIN. i had been told this for many years, but suddenly things started clicking and i realized how much i need Christ in my life, how much i need His love and constant support. i raised my hand and prayed the prayer- God was in me. on the ride home, i remember looking up at the stars on the dark night. the creator of it all, of the twinkling stars in the sky loved me- and now lived inside of my heart. i felt on fire for Him and my heart struggled to contain the joy that flooded my soul. my future still was undecided, but it didnt matter, or stress me as much because i KNEW God was in control and that He would take me where i needed to go.
but i was still catholic.
i then talked with my dad about going to the youth group that put on the boat cruise and we had to check with the catholic church and i was given the go ahead. i had never worshipped before...and the raising of hands and dancing freely really freaked me out. but over time, i began to envy those that could worship however they wanted to and that didnt feel any shame in what they were doing.
that year, i really grew in my knowledge of Christ. here i was, born catholic, and i hardly knew anything about the life and teachings of Christ. it was blowing my mind. i dug into my bible and found comfort in Jesus' words.
i started going to another youth group and was meeting great people and went on a camping trip and just got more and more on fire. there were hard times - the road with Christ is not an easy one, but definitely more rewarding and that's what kept me going.
then i witnessed my first miracle.
a group of girls from hawaii came to the second youth group i was going to and one was wearing a sling. we did worship and a bible study. one kid had an amazing vision he told us about and then we were ending.
the girl with the sling began crying and weeping loudly. we all looked over as her friends began crying also. she had broken her collar bone and hadnt been able to lift up her hand, now it was over her head and she felt no pain. Gos was flowing through the room.
that instance increased my faith greatly, it's something i look back on when i doubt and it reminds me that God is more real than the chair and table i sit at.
i wanted so much to be at the church service that following sunday to hear their testimony, but because i was catholic, i couldnt attend other church services.
well, i have wanted to talk to my dad for some time now, and had done some things to prepare. i talked with my youth pastor and another man i consider to be very wise. i prayed for the softening of my dad's heart and for strength to trust God and say what i needed to say. as the time approached, i also prayed for a conversation, possibly started by my dad, that would lead into a conversation about God and my religion.
God did just that.
we were driving down the road yesterday - me, my dad, and my sister - and he started talking about how he was learning to trust God with our futures and wasn't worried because it was now between us and God. he also said that all he wantted for our lives is for us to be happy and have God in our lives. the words came to me and were literally bursting from my lips, i thought them over...no i cant say that, he would take offense to that...i need to say it, i need to have faith, trust God, He gave me these words...what if they're not from God?...He says He will put the words in my mouth...

-Dad, would you still be happy if we weren't going to the catholic church?-

i got it out. it was small...but it grew.
he wasnt mad. he told me it would be a hard thing for him to deal with, but that he had had his own searching time and wanted us to seek thr truth.
words filled my mouth again, this time they were more confronting, but i was trusting.

-If I wanted to go to a differnt chruch, how would you want me to go about that?-

looking back, that question seems strange, but it also fulfuiiled what i wanted to say. in other words, i want to go to another church, but i want to respect you.

his answer surprised me.

-is there another church you want to go to?-

-yes, LTCF.-

-well, i would want you to talk with Father Michael first.-

-ok.-

that was kind of the end of it.
it was monumental though. and while im not looking forward to having a chat with our priest, i know that it will all be okay. i accomplished what i wanted to. i told my dad that i wanted to go to a different church, he didnt get mad, he gave me a next step.
that was all i was looking for. and while it may seem small, it has taken a load off my mind.
i feel free-er. and while the load of talking with the priest is slowly seeping in to take its place and fill me with worry, i take comfort in the psalm i read last night:
Psalm 112
"Praise the Lord!
Happy are those who fear the Lord,
who greatly delight in his commandments.
2Their descendants will be mighty in the land;
the generation of the upright will be blessed.
3Wealth and riches are in their houses,
and their righteousness endures for ever.
4They rise in the darkness as a light for the upright;
they are gracious, merciful, and righteous.
5It is well with those who deal generously and lend,
who conduct their affairs with justice.
6For the righteous will never be moved;
they will be remembered for ever.
7They are not afraid of evil tidings;
their hearts are firm, secure in the Lord.
8Their hearts are steady, they will not be afraid;
in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.
9They have distributed freely, they have given to the poor;
their righteousness endures for ever;
their horn is exalted in honour.
10The wicked see it and are angry;
they gnash their teeth and melt away;
the desire of the wicked comes to nothing."
in my bible verse seven goes, 'He will have no fear of bad news'. i will not fear what may come, but only continue to rejoice and praise my God who strengthens me and is my rock of truth. and if what i am persuing is truth, then no one can find fault with me and i know that what i am doing is right.

"When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow in humble adoration
And there proclaim, my God, how great Thou art!"

I’m appreciating the sun spans

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 17:28:49 GMT

People are always in awe when the sun sets beautifully over the ocean or sets behind a wall of mountains. They say it’s beautiful when the surrounding clouds turn majestic colors and some wish they had a camera to capture the moment. Others are inspired when seeing the sun rise. Seeing the first rays of sunlight touch their part of the earth for the first time and seeing the possibilities in a new day. So why don’t people stand in awe or get inspired when the sun is at midday or spanning the rounded sky from morning to night, between rise and set, as we go about our busy lives? Why does it take something dramatic for us to look up and appreciate the sun or the maker behind it when it is doing something it ordinarily does?
Think of it this way, what if we only had sunrises and sunsets, but no sun in between? Some people experience a quick sun rise followed by a sunset up north for a couple months out of the year, but I’m talking about all the time, day in day out, 365 days a year of just a sunrise and then a set later in the day. How would we function? How would plants grow and our earth flourish if we had no sun to see by? The world would be completely different, we would be different and look much paler I imagine. The fact is we need that sunlight. Many people need the vitamins it offers them to feel happy, and everyone else needs it to see by and have food.
But if it were the other way around, and we only had sun 24/7 and no rises or sets, we would also be in a world of trouble, literally. It would be extremely hot around the equator and plants, animals, and humans would die from the lack of resources and sweltering weather conditions. It would be impossible to live as we do now.
Point made: we need the sun to do just as it does every single day, rise and set accordingly.
Yet, we seem to only appreciate its beauty when we see it coming up or going down, when it is dramatic and catches out attention. But as I have shown, we need it and should appreciate it all day long. More importantly, we need to appreciate its creator, our creator much more. We need the sun, the earth, the moon just as God made them to behave. The sun to rise and set, the earth to tilt and spin at the right speed, the moon to pull on the ocean tides; we need it all. Therefore, we need to give thanks for it all, even when it is not flashy or dramatic or making us wish we had a camera. We need to appreciate even the boring times. The times when we get too busy to notice and to thank God that He keeps things going, even though we’re lost in our own business.
So for me, I am standing back in awe of the sun setting behind the mountains and turning clouds brilliant orange, reds, and pinks; and when the sun first comes through my window in the morning and lights up my walls. But I am also appreciating the sun spans when God is moving the sun just as it needs to be and keeping us as we need to be.

tahoe is my home

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 22:24:12 GMT

yes tahoe, the one burning right now. smoke fills the air and worry seems to be occupying everyone's minds.
things have been good lately tho. my sister and some friends graduated last friday and i just got back from yosemite with my youth group, that was awesome. on friday when we were waiting between events, we had lunch with some friends of the family, they brought thier grandmother from the hospital. we were eating and she was sitting next to me...she sneezed...her mouth was full of teriaki (sp?) chicken salad...which landed on my arm and skirt...it soooo wasn't funny at the time, but now that i think about it, it's pretty funny...lol
yosemite was awesome. it's great worshipping God in the greatest cathedrals He ever made. i rock climbed, it was fun, and scary...but mostly fun. and i only got one mosquito bite, hurray! no bears, a couple deer, and lots of swimming in the rivers. there as even this cool pool in the river that was a hole in the rock and it was like a bath tub, i could fit in it and the water went up to my neck, it was super cool! and yeah...so much happened, and God was totally there...
but coming home was such a different story...smoke greeted us on the other side of the mountain and a line of traffic kept us at stateline for almost an hour. people were crying, the loss was and continues to be great. but as our leader, mike, said- right now we need to have heart, not fear, not tears-
please pray for everyone involved with the fire- the firefighters, the victims, those evacuated, the police, everyone, they all need help. God is bigger than this fire, and right now He has everyone in His hands.

a library is a bad place to have the hiccups...

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 17:46:28 GMT

i walked in with them...and i only hiccupped a couple of times and now they're gone...and there was much rejoicing.
so now im avioding my psych paper...which i have only written the introduction for and im not sure i like it. im doing it on autism and aspergers, which is a form of autism that my sister has. but the prompt for the paper is very vague and im afraid of asking for clarifiction because that will tell my teacher that i haven't done much (any) work on it. so i guess im just gonna do what i think and hope for the best.
i also have a psych quiz i could be studying for right now...or i could be at work...but here i am, sitting in the library at school, wasting time venting my thoughts and procrastinating. i think libba bray said it best, "what do we want? procrastination! when do we want it? later!"
but i did my term paper, finished it yesterday and presented it. i wasnt too happy with my presentation of it...i still get so nervous and there's like 6 people in the class...it's lame, i know, but it still freaks me out. and when im freaked out, my brain turns off and i say things in ways i didnt want to say them and i dont say what i really wanted to say and whatever, im done with it now and i only have my final for that class left, and its easy. and let's see, i also have a spanish final, no big deal there, and a ceramics final where i bring in my best pieces and eat food- not too worried about that one. and oh yeah, my psych paper...and quiz today....and final on tuesday...and then i. am. free.
and i leave next friday for camping in yosemite (woop!) and then montana after that (woop woop!) and then mexico (woop woopity woop woop!) and i wont have work or school or anything and yayness, i cant wait.
ok, my stomach is getting ready to growl...so i had better leave the silence here and go eat something in the commons.

it's 1:43 am...

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 08:46:09 GMT

and i just finished my works cited for my term paper that's due...today...in 14 hours...i was using the site for Cite Knight or something and when i did my last one, i noticed it cited kinda weird, and i realized i had done all seven sources in the wrong format...ahhhhhh! so i re-did them all. and now, i want sleep really really badly, and i think sleep wants me.
just thought i'd share why im still up at this hour. but my paper's all done and my presentation is in 14 hours.
night.

season of change

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 05:30:30 GMT

it's june 11th. i have exactly one month until i leave for mexico. things are beginning to unwind. papers and projects are actually getting done and the stress level is beginning to go down. summer's in sight.
I have a paper and project to finish. it was really hard choosing a subject and i didnt commit to anything until yesterday and the thing's due on wednsday, so yeah, i have a day to finish it...but for some reason, im not freaking out. i sat down today and wrote three pages no problem and just got a bunch of resources and information from mr. beavers, my super awesome econ teacher from high school. and today i turned in a project that i did in an hour this morning...lol, i guess i work best under pressure. and then i have a psych paper to write...thats the only things im stressed about because i havent really started it yet, and it's due on the 19th. and on top of that, i have a psych quiz to cram for on thursday, a spanish final and communications final, and a psych final. and then...im free! no ap english summer reading! that is one thing i really dont miss from high school.
life in general has improved. i am no longer worrying that i might die due to a heart problem...thats a load off my mind. and my dad's tests all came back fine so thats good. friendships are changing, but i like it. when i trust God with my relationships, i know He has my best interests in mind and things end up turning out okay in the end. summer looks bright ahead of me. it will be filled with trips and fun, camping, going to the beach, kayaking, hiking, and most likely a few unexpected things that may not be fun, but i look forward to it all. the change, the differences that accompany a change in season. the sun is brighter and warmer and in a way it lifts my soul a bit as i see more and more of God's glory right before me.
my future excites me. even though i have no idea where im headed, the feeling of it being infinite and accessable all at the same time make me feel inspired. poetic thoughts flow through my head sweetly like background music. i sigh and it flows out into the air i breath.
it just makes me want to stand on a mountain top and proclaim the name of my Lord, my Jesus who loves me. I just want to sing an endless song of praise and lift my voice and hands to the heavens. to swim in the rivers and lakes, walk through the meadows and valleys, to see things i've never seen before and stand back in awe of all of God's creation. it all makes me want to sing a song. one without words, because i find it hard to express myself and the bubbling joy i feel in my heart. the feeling almost overwhelms me, bringing emotions to my eyes.
i have so much to be thankful for. my family, my friends, my opportunities, my low times that brought my to great heights when i overcame them, the talents i have been given, my health, my heart, my God.
i feel beautiful in it all, knowing that what i look at in the mirror was hand made by God. He has a plan for me, to prosper me, to grow me, and i am so excited to be on that path right now. reaching closer and closer to my Creator and finding more and more joy in His presence than i could find anywhere else.
the clock in my living room chimes, it's 10:30, and time for me to go to bed. but im ready, i've accomplished some things today and sleep sounds rather sweet.

Beetles are gross!!

Wed, 23 May 2007 15:03:51 GMT

Holy canole! I just woke up from a horrible and disgusting dream. it's 7:38, and there was no freakin' way i was going to stay in bed any longer.
i had a dream that i was a nanny for a bunch of kids and was watching them at this house that slowly turned into my house. all the kids suddenly ran outside and up to these flower boxes. they undid the front wall and these beeltles were swarming in the boxes. they were picking them out of the boxes and starting to run back in with them. so i closed the door (lol) and wouldnt let them back in with all the bugs. so they ran to a window (the house was now mine), my bedroom window, and a kid dropped a beetle into my room because the window was open. so i freaked out, had all the kids get rid of their beetles and they came in and i made the kid that put the one in my room go looking for it. i kept pointing to it and he kept missing. then when he caught it, something else caught my eye...another beetle. the beetles were like big and long june bugs (gross) and they were starting to multiply. they were all around my bed and everything. and then this nasty snake kind of worm beetle thing crawled out from under my bed. i screamed and pulled the kid up onto my bed. there was no way we were getting off my bed with that gross snake worm thing moving around my room. then the story changed as in dreams they do and me and the kid were waiting for this porfessor to come home and tell us how we did on a quiz (dumb, i know). while we were waiting, more and more beetles were popping up. and they were yuckier too...there were these ones with flat backs that were kind of hexigon shaped and their feet were sharp and would kind of stick to the blanket on the bed, so you could hear them coming, they were so gross. and there were these other ones that were flat and thin and had wings- therefore they were airborne...then, the professor came in- he was mr. lund from my school, i had him for math a while back- and he started telling us how we did on the quiz. i was like, 'what the heck are all these gross beetles?' and he started identifying them because the quiz questions were asking what the names of the beetles were. so im kind of lying on my side listening to him and this one flat beetle crawls on my leg and attaches itself to my pants. i start freaking out and try to get the professor to get it off and he's trying and trying and pulling on it and another one attaches itself to the bottom of my foot on my sock. i really don't like things touching my feet, i get a little weird about it...needless to say, im freaking out even more and so the professor starts trying to get the one off my foot. but he stops suddenly and im like, 'why did you stop?!' and he's all, 'oh, they're stuck there. you can't get them off now.' and so im thuroughly grossed out when i feel another one crawl up my pant leg...i started wiggling around in my dream and actually woke myself up. i was desperate to wake up and kept moving my head around to shake my dream away. i was awake, but my foot felt weird...and i remember learning in psychology that if you dream something and wake up, sometimes parts of your dreams are really happening and your body is just aware of what's going on around you when you're dreaming. so im like, i hope there's nothing on my foot...i really hope there's nothing on my foot...but then i remember im not wearing socks, though it really feels like i am, and that there's nothing on my foot cause i would feel it without a sock on. so i slowly pull my foot out from under the covers...and it's all fine. i crawled out of bed really slowly and still felt a little paranoid about a beetle everytime i felt my skin itch.
but now im fine and it's 20 minutes later and i am sooooo glad that was just a dream! beetles are gross!

lack of interest

Sat, 19 May 2007 05:46:11 GMT

i woke up late today. still dealing with the thoughts and emotions swirling around in my mind and still trying to put things back together. ate some cherries and strawberries with yogurt and rushed a shower, cutting my leg while shaving and still continue to bleed. went to work for a hour...disappointing...and then to a meeting about my trip to mexico this summer, only a month and a half left! got all excited, paid the rest of the trip off, got a free backpack, ate lots of pizza, and left. felt like shopping for swim shorts and went to ross after cashing my paycheck and tried on a bunch of sun dresses, wondering where i would even wear them (in the sun?) and decided on a tank top with kitties on it. then i drove home and took the life of my very first chipmonk that crossed in front of me. there was no way to stop, i was going 55-60 and there was someone right behind me...i think he died instantly tho and didnt suffer, i prayed for him as i drove away. got home, ate dinner, and hiked the grade up to the highway with my mom, touching the fondue sticker that i always touch when i get to the top. then i came home, ate some 'death by chocolate' ice cream, watched 'sweet home alabama', and now i'm going to bed. yup, life's not too interesting right now...

im done with finals!!

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 00:14:43 GMT

hurray hurray hurray! i am done with finals (does happy dance while still typing). yayayayay! no more history reading project things or essays, no more geology tests or labs (but i did enjoy that class), no more spanish skits, no more belly dancing...que triste. i'll miss some classes, like spanish and geology and belly dancing. but i really wont miss history. and now im on spring break and im gonna go to my friend's college and hang with her for a couple days and work and sleep in and read and write and get caught up. yeah right, i never get caught up, things will always come up that take my effort filled attention away. but oh well, maybe one of these days i really will get caught up and not like the feeling of having nothing to do...so hasta ustedes, enjoy spring break!

yayayayay!

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 06:23:25 GMT

so...it's 11:13pm...i did my dance. it was GREAT! although i did mess up a couple times, i think they were pretty minor and not many people saw them. it was crazy cool tho. before hand, i was rushing to get most the way through my history final essay thingy and scarf down dinner while applying a fake tatoo to my foot. i could hardly eat because my stomach was too in knots to consume anything. but we left, and i got to the college, trying to find the dressing room. i followed the noise of bouncing coin belts and giggling girls and began to costume myself. orange skirt, black tank top, brown velvet vest, red coin belt, and loads and loads of make up. i dont like wearing make up, but my friend helped apply it all on my eyes and cheeks. then, we found out we were second to go, which was good, i could get it over soon. i was sooo nervous before we went on. the polynesian dancers danced very. very. slowly. and then it was our turn!
we got in front of everyone and waited for the music to start, holding our hands in the air. when it started, things just flowed. my hands were a bit shakey and my movements were tight in the beginning. but i love the way i feel when i dance. on one hand, i dont care how i look to other people because the way i feel takes over and i am just in the moment. but on the other hand, when i come back to reality and see my parents and friends watching me, my mind trips and i mess up. but it wasnt too badly.
when it was over, the adreniline rush was crazy! i felt like i could have flown. it was over, and i was happy with the job that i did.
after, i went to youth group and tried to make my stomach growl as quietly as possible. with the lack of food in my stomach, it complained greatly when i relaxed. but pizza was served and my stomach rejoiced. yay stomach!
so now im home, make up free- finally- and feeling very accomplished and knowing that now i can dance in front of a group of people and even though im scared, i can still do it.
huzzah!